Merry Fucking Christmas

So this year I was actually excited for Christmas. It is Jack's 2nd but the first he knows what a present is. So things were going fine. We got his presents, today we were going to head up north to stay with the in-laws and we were going to have a great Christmas.

Brett got into an accident. He is OK, the baby wasn't in the car. The car is fucked. Other driver's fault, but our insurance lapsed so they gave us a $710 fine.

My mother-in-law was going to come own to get me and Jack this morning. She bailed, claiming the roads are too bad. OK, we did get a foot of snow last night, but the roads are fine and there is no more snowing today. But before that I get to wake Brett up and let him know the heater is busted. Yeah, no heat, no ride and we've been arguing for days.

So we decide to get a ride to Merri's house so the poor blue-lipped baby (I'm not even kidding) can have some heat. Dustin comes to get us and can't even keep both hands on the wheel. He has to talk to his girlfriend (long story on that, not my business to post) and even tells her how we keep slipping and almost running into snow banks. So hang up the fucking phone, my kid is in the car, jackass! And then he does bump the car ahead of us at the stop sign. I was livid.

And now I might be staying here overnight because Brett needs a ride to work and might stay at Dustin's. Great holiday, not home, not with family, not even with my fucking husband. I'm depressed as all hell and he has my cigs.

So we have to rent a car. Wednesday the other driver's insurance company will be in the office, so if we are going to make it to the family Xmas we have to rent one ourselves and wait god knows how long to get reimbursed.

Good news is the heat is on, bad news is I'm not home and Jack is fussy and finally asleep. I'd nap but he'd just wake up as I'm on the verge of sleep and I just can't take that kind of disappointment right now.

I've cried more in the last three days than in the past three months. Merry Fucking Christmas.

broken record

Everytime I start a new journal (or blog) I tell myself I will not use it as a depression dump, only writing when I feel depressed and such. Well, here we go again, only now I am depressed and have internet access for the night so everybody gets to watch.

Still at the chocolate factory, totally using my education to do what I planned to do for the rest of my life. I hope sarcasm works in type. And to top that off I fell in their parking lot and hurt my back. Team Staffing is taking care of it, but I'm on restriction so I can't bend, reach, twift, lift etc. I do what I can.

So work sucks, back hurts, love life is on the rocks.

No birth control = no nookie for Jen. Not to mention that my DH has taken a second job and works until midnight 4 days a week. Miss him terribly, makes me cry.

So yeah, Jen's "life sucks" update.

alive

I still exist, I just have no internet and find myself too busy being a mom after my 9 hours at the chocolate factory failing to use my college degrees and hating every minute of it. No insurance, no antidepressants, plenty of insomnia. I'm not a happy camper so consider yourselves lucky I'm usually an internet no show.

the urge

Ever get the urge to blog? Yeah, I do too. Problem is when I do I'm usually walking and am nowhere near the computer or my journal (yes, I have a handwritten journal. A poor, neglected handwritten journal). I've had the urge several times over the past couple days, so here it goes. Hope I can do it justice, you know how it goes when the inspiration hits and then flies away.

So I've been reading New Moon by Stephanie Meyer, the sequel to Twilight. Addicting books. But I was really commiserating with the main character, Bella, yesterday. Brett is Edward to my Bella. Maybe it's a general girl thing, but I feel so lucky to have him. Like he is in a plane above me and it is something special and transitory that he's even with me. I cherish every cuddle, every touch in fear that he will one day go away, realize I'm beneath him and go. We've talked about this a couple of times, once before I ever got my hands on Twilight, and he assures me that I'm wrong, that his ex's are ex's for a reason (pardon the grammatical misuse of the apostrophe, it just looks clearer that way) and that of all the girls that hit on him at the coffee stand, all the pre-med and science majors and such, he chose me. It helps, but part of me still clings in fear. It even makes me cry when I think of it, a time without him.

And then last night we went to bed. He stayed up past midnight reading Artemis Fowl: The Opal Deception, a book I picked up from the library for him (and me, I'm just New Moon distracted). So he took my spot and I took his. We were back in the formation we were used to before we moved the bedroom around. And when he turned off the light and curled up around me it was magical. I relaxed so totally by body was lightly buzzing with utter contentment. I silently wished I could feel this all night but was sadly asleep in mere minutes. We both agreed this morning that we had the best night's sleep in some time. He came home for lunch and when I told him some of the descriptive things I mentioned my body was humming almost. He got a sly grin on his face and said "speaking of, how about a hummer?" He deserved it after all ;)

And one more thought. As I stood at the bus stop waiting to come into work I was anxious. Anxius because this is my last week? I thought maybe, but then I realized I was anxious because I left New Moon at home, 3/4 read. I did this on purpose, but it made me anxious. What a hold this book has!

Oh what a sight! Oh what a day!

Good news: I finished my first sock Friday. I have an interview at noon. I got a copy of New Moon from the library (finally!!).

Bad news: My boss told me this is my last week. We're broke. Now I'm depressed.

So when I went downtown to pick up the book I stopped and got a pack of cigarettes. I could use one in my mood. And then I was one hell of a sight in a seemingly out of body way. I was standing in the rain with my black Made hoodie zipped up, hood up holding a vampire novel and smoking. From my vantage point looking down into a puddle I could only see the cigarette, the book under my arm and the hoodie. I could imagine it looked a bit like a bad cliche of a depressed emo goth. But that thought made me smile.

So yeah, that's it. Depressed, trying to cheer up for the interview and worried as hell.

Let's go Yankees!... to hell

OK, if I wasn't going to hell before, I certainly am now, but the Yankees did win Friday so I guess it was all worth it.

Let's cut things to the chase, shall we? I swore in front of a priest. No, I blasphemed.

My sister-in-law renewed her vows in a brief Catholic ceremony and afterward the guests had soup and sandwiches at her house, the priest was there. Someone turned on the Yankees/Red Sox game. I was standing right behind the priest when I looked up and saw the Sox were ahead 2-1. "God damn it!" I shouted. The room fell silent.

Now I had forgotten the priest was there until later in the evening when my husband, a recovering Catholic himself, came up to me and said, "so it was my wife who swore in front of the priest?"

Another great example of my perpetual foot-in-mouth disease.

But at least the Yanks won.

The Bad Beginning

So the day I decide to start my new blog the site is down for hours. I woke up and thought, 'You know what you need? Another neglected blog. And you know where you need it? That place where all the best scrap freebies are housed." So I get into work and decide to go with a new blog so I go to blogspot.com and... nothing. Try again in 30 seconds. About 240 30 seconds later I finally got in. Now don't think I have no life, I didn't try every 30 seconds. About every 10-15 minutes and I'd get the same message, swear out loud and go back to whatever I was doing, namely procrastinating. I did get some work done, even plan on doing more, but first a post. A first post even.

So did I really need a new blog? Aren't myspace, livejournal and scrapgalaxy enough? Apparently not because I have been obsessed with starting this thing all morning. I need a new blog like I need another email address. But in this age of excess of course one more won't hurt.

New blog for my new life. I'm no longer a student. After 8 years of college and 3 degrees I'm working on working in the real world. Going to get paid hourly here until a new job pops up. Plus I'm getting a better handle on the depression (I am, after all, the poster child for mental illness with a whopping 4 diagnoses and another pending) but I'm happier now than I have been in, well, ever. My relationship with my son and husband have improved along with my mood, so all is well. Don't fret, I still have my moments and will surely blog about them.

Now as for readers... I don't really have anything to say and I am fully aware that I am my own biggest fan, but I write as if I have legions of followers who lie in wait for my every thought and feeling. I'm just that damn important, right? But anyhow, enough of that.

-JtPM

Mama was a punk:
Paper and ribbon: TaniaJPS Angry Freebie
Torn paper: Bloggidy - Leah Riordan Designs
Title Font: Tattoo Ink
Journaling Font: Littera 32
Completed May 19, 2007