An old blog post, I wanted to share it again

Confessions


OK, I’ll admit it. I like Fall Out Boy. Yes, and I listen to Good Charlotte, And NSync, so there!

But I have been thinking, technically because of FOB, about being Emo. I hate labels, and that is just one more header I seem to fit under. So I came up with “The Emo Project.” Basically I want to put together a book about my depression, only in an interesting way, and with scrapping.
I want to get pictures of me taken being traditionally “Emo,” with black clothes, a hoodie pulled up over my head, a chunk of hair across my face, tear-stained with the dark eyeliner… And in classic poses too, an over-the-top look at the “Emo” label. The journaling will be honestly the ways I’ve felt because of my depression and anxiety and insomnia, pretty much an exaggeration of a part of me. It’ll be all hard and black and white. I want to end this part of the book with pages about me, the real me. I may be emo, but I’m a mom and a wife, a scientist, an artist… I’m an emo punk hippie yuppie basketcase, and I’m not shamed of it.

I’m hoping to get the book out to some mental health programs, like Active Minds which aims at the destigmatization of mental illness in young adults. I want to share my story, letting prople know that you don’t have to write poetry in a coffee house to be depressed, and depression does not define you. I’m depressed, and I need to be on medication to keep even a loose hold on my sanity, and I do have lapses and bad days, but I don’t let it define me or define the clothes I wear, the music I like or the way I live my life. To some Emo is a scene, to others it’s an inescapable way of life.

OK, rambling again, but I was hoping to share this because I want some help making a decision. Do you think enough of the scrap community that suffers from a mental illness would be willing to contribute to another chapter, double layouts of their own depression and their coping mechanisms?

Just curious. I don’t want to profit off of this, I just want to share my experiences and knowledge about my own diseases with other people. If I can just help one person deal with their own issues or go get help then I will have done my job. I hate being depressed and I want to save the world from feeling like I have.
June 15th, 2007 at 8:22 am

Bored at work

I'm bored. Bored bored bored. And so I blog.

I'm reading the second Dexter book, and it is quite different from the second season (the first season followed the first book up until the ending). Excellent read, graphic in some scenes but hell, it is about a serial killer.

I ordered a drop spindle and some fiber. Just waiting for it to arrive.

I want to keep up work on Jack's sweater, maybe with my parents around I can work on it more next week (they can help ward off playful kittens and overly helpful toddlers). Doing the second sleeve, then get to join the sleeves to the body and when that is all done, onto the hood. Maybe I'll work on Brett's socks too...

Quilt retreat coming up, the in-laws do it every year and I have yet to go. I will now though. Quilting (I'm working on the HP paper piecing quilt, though I only have 4 blocks done, thank you kitten and toddler), scrapping (which I haven't done in about a year), knitting and spinning. Three days to get away and craft, and only $100 for lodgings and food. Good deal.

Random thought I had and plurked about a little: Slytherins like myself are obviously Yankee fans (and I am), Hufflepuffs are obviously Cubs fans (as is Satchel from Get Fuzzy), but I'm not sure about the others. I think Griffindors would probably like the Red Sox, since they have the rivalry thing going on (both Slytherin-Griffindor and Yankees-Red Sox). I'd say Ravenclaws wouldn't be bothered with baseball, but they like Quidditch enough. Any suggestions?

Oh! I forgot to mention, the kitten of which I spoke is Petie, he is going on 12 weeks and we've had him for 9 days now. Cute but evil, like all cats. Got him for the baby's second birthday, which is a week from tomorrow.

OK, killed 8 minutes so far, let's see how far I can get in the next 30 before I leave work.

Nah, I'm not that evil. OK, maybe I am, but I'll spare you, dear reader, anyway.

Plurk me if you want, good ol' JenthePotionsMaster, as always.

Signing off from the vector core.

my wand

Wood type: holly Length: 15 inches Core: Dragon Heartstring get your own wand!

Holly is the strongest of the protective woods. It is used to guard against evil in fact Holly means "holy". Holly wands excel at combat, defense, and protection spells. It is also useful in glamour's and warding. This wand tends to pick an owner who's brave and pure of heart, not to mention has a high intelligence.
Holly's personality is Determined
Element: Fire

Wands with Dragon Heartstring cores are excellent for hexes, or for dueling, not to mention fire magic. They tend to choose a witch or wizard who is strong not only physically, but also emotionally, and who usually has very strong opinions on things, though they often tend to be strong willed and thickheaded as well.

Here is the link: http://www.diagonalley.5u.com/ollivanders/index.html

I'm a little black raincloud, of course.

Jack is 19 months. He is so friggin big, and so smart. I am constantly amazed by him. He can now recognize the Winnie the Pooh characters on his Pooh phone, and can hit the correct buttons when asked to. Maybe numbers next? But he now plays along with all of the hand motions on Little Einsteins and can even do them when asked without the show being on. So big, growing up so fast. New pics will come, right now I'm on a work computer and so no pics at my fingertips.

Brett has his P&G job and is liking it. General problems like personality conflicts arise, but not with supervisors and not to the point where his work is affected. He has been doing great there, people are noticing how bright he is and how hard he works.

This is week #3 at the GTVC. I'm really digging it. Not research, but an integral part to other people's research. Perfect for now. Steady, in my field, salaried. I'm learning a ton and it is a great job while I relax in family life and think about getting back to school in the future.

Had a depressed day the other day, been pretty solid ever since. Writing in a journal and taking long walks at lunch time. See how things go. Until then, this is Jen, the Potions Master signing off!

Randomness and such

Colorstrology.com lets you know your color, based on your birthday, and mine is Delphinium Blue. Here is what that says about me:

THE NEED to express yourself is inherent in your personality. Any form of creative release helps balance your mental, physical and emotional well-being. You are kind-hearted and are not afraid to offer insights and words of support to people that you meet. The desire for love is very important to you. Your personal color inspires breadth of scope. Wearing, meditating or surrounding yourself with Delphinium Blue invokes trust and ease in regard to love and finances.

Brett's is: Grape Nectar

YOU enjoy learning and want to be stimulated mentally. You have creative ability and will feel most satisfied when you are expressing your unique talents. Your senses are acute and you are very aware of your surroundings. Having things of beauty around you gives you great pleasure. Your personal color embodies strength, passion and perseverance. Wearing, meditating or surrounding yourself with the color Grape Nectar helps you move through fear so that you can enjoy the fruits of your labor.


And Jack: Cornflower Blue

LOVE IS very important to you as is the need to connect with others. You are highly romantic and function best when you are in a healthy relationship. Although you can be emotional, you have a keen mind and a sharp wit. Harmony and a happy home and family hold great comfort for you. Your personal color resonates with clarity. Wearing, meditating or surrounding yourself with Cornflower Blue lends discrimination to your ability when choosing partners and close associates.

Our look looks to have changed, though I'm trying not to jinx it. So for now, that's all you get.

Why is it whenever I sit in the IC library and take out the lap top within 30 min I need to, well, go "number 2"? Every time, without fail. Something in the air, perhaps.


I finished Brett's socks and made Jack a pair from the leftover yard from my pair. All worster weight acrylic, but being broke and in a bind, better than none. And I got some much needed experience from it.

I'm going to cast on some toe-up socks for myself this afternoon. Get to learn provisional cast on and how to use wraps in my short rows.

ANd now I'm going to get going. Need to order a new SS card, then probably going to hang out at Hartwig and wait for Brett to get off.

Life... eh...

Still no job. No money. Unpaid bills. Thankfully the baby isn't going hungry (though I am drastically eating less and find myself often sustained by tea and the odd pretzel stick).

I have an interview at Wal Mart on Monday. Yeah, that's how desperate we are for a second paycheck. And I'm applying at McDonalds this afternoon. A fry cook with a Master's degree. Great. So as you can imagine I'm depressed as all hell. And my DH is really getting to me. I'm looking, pretty damn hard at that, but because I'm not pressing my nose against windows downtown and trying to look pathetic so someone might hand me a job, I'm not working hard enough. I'm not going to go on because today he is being really supportive, but yesterday I was supposedly enjoying not being in work and waiting around for a science job, this after applying at Wal Mart and CVS and the god damned Marriott for housekeeping. Yeah, science jobs all. And then it was because I applied online, which always takes months (and Wal Mart called what? 24 hours later?). I even applied at BioLife. Means no more donating, but it would be a paycheck and in a science-y field so it is very preferable right now.

On the bright side, I finished Brett's socks the other night. No pics yet, I was going to get them done but we got Jack back from his week stay with my mother-in-law and I wanted to get the second sock done. It was the whole "4 inches until I can start the toe. I'll just o that much." which turned into "Oh, I can just start the toe." That usually leads to "I'll just finish the toe, and weave in the ends." That is why I love socks. I get slow on the leg and on the foot, but the heel and gusset and tow are so modular that I find it hard to begin and not finish those sections.

And snow twinkles pretty when you wear sunglasses. Still blinding and I still have a headache, but pretty.

Now I better get back to work. Applied for another research position, only new one I'm qualified for, but I will see what other places have to offer.

One Month Down

One month into 208 and I have no job. I tried a dishwashing job from Team Staffing, but they signed me up without checking with me. I told them 2nd shift would work, and it would have if they didn't want me until 12:30 on Mon and Sat, the last bus leaves at 11:20 on weekdays, 6:30 on weekends. So I had to decline. Now I wait.

I found my New Year's resolution. I plan to finish a few of the projects I've started, knitting-wise. My current task is finishing Jack's baby blanket, the one I began to crochet before he was born. I'm just hpoing to have it by his second birthday this September. OK, maybe sooner. I have to do 55 repeats of the two main rows. I finished 18 last night and plan to do at least one every day. I'll try to remember to take pics of it (and my other projects) and post them.

My other projects:
-Dark Mark Illusion scarf (pattern: http://thestormmoon.blogspot.com/2007/05/dark-mark-illusion-scarf-pattern.html). I am through the first chart, just started the second.

-Dark Mark bag (pattern: http://www.freewebs.com/theloveplant/knitting/darkmarkbag.html). I finished the front an just have to finish the plain, stockinette back.

-Brett's Socks. I'm doing basic socks with a k3p1 rib on the leg. The first one is about an inch done. I did finish one pair of socks though, and will post pics soon (I hope).

-Huge granny square blankie. I couldn't think of anything else to do with this yarn so I decided on a blanket. I made one 6 inch granny square and decide to just enlarge it rather than make a ton of little ones.

-Crochet choker (pattern: http://www.theanticraft.com/archive/lugh06/asphyxiation.htm). One and a half motifs in and still going (slowly).

The lure of new projects is great. My pile of UFOs grows. But when you have little time to knit/crochet... Things just don't get finished.

Between job searching, studying for the MCATs (which I need to do more of) an being a Mom and wife... the time just seems to slip away.

But hey, could be worse, you know.