Drippings from an Uneasy Mind

An old blog post, I wanted to share it again

2008-09-17T09:27:00.000-07:00

Confessions

OK, I’ll admit it. I like Fall Out Boy. Yes, and I listen to Good Charlotte, And NSync, so there!

But I have been thinking, technically because of FOB, about being Emo. I hate labels, and that is just one more header I seem to fit under. So I came up with “The Emo Project.” Basically I want to put together a book about my depression, only in an interesting way, and with scrapping.
I want to get pictures of me taken being traditionally “Emo,” with black clothes, a hoodie pulled up over my head, a chunk of hair across my face, tear-stained with the dark eyeliner… And in classic poses too, an over-the-top look at the “Emo” label. The journaling will be honestly the ways I’ve felt because of my depression and anxiety and insomnia, pretty much an exaggeration of a part of me. It’ll be all hard and black and white. I want to end this part of the book with pages about me, the real me. I may be emo, but I’m a mom and a wife, a scientist, an artist… I’m an emo punk hippie yuppie basketcase, and I’m not shamed of it.

I’m hoping to get the book out to some mental health programs, like Active Minds which aims at the destigmatization of mental illness in young adults. I want to share my story, letting prople know that you don’t have to write poetry in a coffee house to be depressed, and depression does not define you. I’m depressed, and I need to be on medication to keep even a loose hold on my sanity, and I do have lapses and bad days, but I don’t let it define me or define the clothes I wear, the music I like or the way I live my life. To some Emo is a scene, to others it’s an inescapable way of life.

OK, rambling again, but I was hoping to share this because I want some help making a decision. Do you think enough of the scrap community that suffers from a mental illness would be willing to contribute to another chapter, double layouts of their own depression and their coping mechanisms?

Just curious. I don’t want to profit off of this, I just want to share my experiences and knowledge about my own diseases with other people. If I can just help one person deal with their own issues or go get help then I will have done my job. I hate being depressed and I want to save the world from feeling like I have.
June 15th, 2007 at 8:22 am

Bored at work

2008-09-16T14:22:00.001-07:00

I'm bored. Bored bored bored. And so I blog.

I'm reading the second Dexter book, and it is quite different from the second season (the first season followed the first book up until the ending). Excellent read, graphic in some scenes but hell, it is about a serial killer.

I ordered a drop spindle and some fiber. Just waiting for it to arrive.

I want to keep up work on Jack's sweater, maybe with my parents around I can work on it more next week (they can help ward off playful kittens and overly helpful toddlers). Doing the second sleeve, then get to join the sleeves to the body and when that is all done, onto the hood. Maybe I'll work on Brett's socks too...

Quilt retreat coming up, the in-laws do it every year and I have yet to go. I will now though. Quilting (I'm working on the HP paper piecing quilt, though I only have 4 blocks done, thank you kitten and toddler), scrapping (which I haven't done in about a year), knitting and spinning. Three days to get away and craft, and only $100 for lodgings and food. Good deal.

Random thought I had and plurked about a little: Slytherins like myself are obviously Yankee fans (and I am), Hufflepuffs are obviously Cubs fans (as is Satchel from Get Fuzzy), but I'm not sure about the others. I think Griffindors would probably like the Red Sox, since they have the rivalry thing going on (both Slytherin-Griffindor and Yankees-Red Sox). I'd say Ravenclaws wouldn't be bothered with baseball, but they like Quidditch enough. Any suggestions?

Oh! I forgot to mention, the kitten of which I spoke is Petie, he is going on 12 weeks and we've had him for 9 days now. Cute but evil, like all cats. Got him for the baby's second birthday, which is a week from tomorrow.

OK, killed 8 minutes so far, let's see how far I can get in the next 30 before I leave work.

Nah, I'm not that evil. OK, maybe I am, but I'll spare you, dear reader, anyway.

Plurk me if you want, good ol' JenthePotionsMaster, as always.

Signing off from the vector core.

my wand

2008-07-02T18:07:00.000-07:00

Wood type: holly
Length: 15 inches
Core: Dragon Heartstring

get your own wand!

Holly is the strongest of the protective woods. It is used to guard against evil in fact Holly means "holy". Holly wands excel at combat, defense, and protection spells. It is also useful in glamour's and warding. This wand tends to pick an owner who's brave and pure of heart, not to mention has a high intelligence.
Holly's personality is Determined
Element: Fire

Wands with Dragon Heartstring cores are excellent for hexes, or for dueling, not to mention fire magic. They tend to choose a witch or wizard who is strong not only physically, but also emotionally, and who usually has very strong opinions on things, though they often tend to be strong willed and thickheaded as well.

Here is the link: http://www.diagonalley.5u.com/ollivanders/index.html

I'm a little black raincloud, of course.

2008-04-30T05:57:00.000-07:00

Jack is 19 months. He is so friggin big, and so smart. I am constantly amazed by him. He can now recognize the Winnie the Pooh characters on his Pooh phone, and can hit the correct buttons when asked to. Maybe numbers next? But he now plays along with all of the hand motions on Little Einsteins and can even do them when asked without the show being on. So big, growing up so fast. New pics will come, right now I'm on a work computer and so no pics at my fingertips.

Brett has his P&G job and is liking it. General problems like personality conflicts arise, but not with supervisors and not to the point where his work is affected. He has been doing great there, people are noticing how bright he is and how hard he works.

This is week #3 at the GTVC. I'm really digging it. Not research, but an integral part to other people's research. Perfect for now. Steady, in my field, salaried. I'm learning a ton and it is a great job while I relax in family life and think about getting back to school in the future.

Had a depressed day the other day, been pretty solid ever since. Writing in a journal and taking long walks at lunch time. See how things go. Until then, this is Jen, the Potions Master signing off!

Randomness and such

2008-02-27T10:19:00.000-08:00

Colorstrology.com lets you know your color, based on your birthday, and mine is Delphinium Blue. Here is what that says about me:

THE NEED to express yourself is inherent in your personality. Any form of creative release helps balance your mental, physical and emotional well-being. You are kind-hearted and are not afraid to offer insights and words of support to people that you meet. The desire for love is very important to you. Your personal color inspires breadth of scope. Wearing, meditating or surrounding yourself with Delphinium Blue invokes trust and ease in regard to love and finances.

Brett's is: Grape Nectar

YOU enjoy learning and want to be stimulated mentally. You have creative ability and will feel most satisfied when you are expressing your unique talents. Your senses are acute and you are very aware of your surroundings. Having things of beauty around you gives you great pleasure. Your personal color embodies strength, passion and perseverance. Wearing, meditating or surrounding yourself with the color Grape Nectar helps you move through fear so that you can enjoy the fruits of your labor.

And Jack: Cornflower Blue

LOVE IS very important to you as is the need to connect with others. You are highly romantic and function best when you are in a healthy relationship. Although you can be emotional, you have a keen mind and a sharp wit. Harmony and a happy home and family hold great comfort for you. Your personal color resonates with clarity. Wearing, meditating or surrounding yourself with Cornflower Blue lends discrimination to your ability when choosing partners and close associates.

Our look looks to have changed, though I'm trying not to jinx it. So for now, that's all you get.

Why is it whenever I sit in the IC library and take out the lap top within 30 min I need to, well, go "number 2"? Every time, without fail. Something in the air, perhaps.

I finished Brett's socks and made Jack a pair from the leftover yard from my pair. All worster weight acrylic, but being broke and in a bind, better than none. And I got some much needed experience from it.

I'm going to cast on some toe-up socks for myself this afternoon. Get to learn provisional cast on and how to use wraps in my short rows.

ANd now I'm going to get going. Need to order a new SS card, then probably going to hang out at Hartwig and wait for Brett to get off.

Life... eh...

2008-02-22T10:16:00.000-08:00

Still no job. No money. Unpaid bills. Thankfully the baby isn't going hungry (though I am drastically eating less and find myself often sustained by tea and the odd pretzel stick).

I have an interview at Wal Mart on Monday. Yeah, that's how desperate we are for a second paycheck. And I'm applying at McDonalds this afternoon. A fry cook with a Master's degree. Great. So as you can imagine I'm depressed as all hell. And my DH is really getting to me. I'm looking, pretty damn hard at that, but because I'm not pressing my nose against windows downtown and trying to look pathetic so someone might hand me a job, I'm not working hard enough. I'm not going to go on because today he is being really supportive, but yesterday I was supposedly enjoying not being in work and waiting around for a science job, this after applying at Wal Mart and CVS and the god damned Marriott for housekeeping. Yeah, science jobs all. And then it was because I applied online, which always takes months (and Wal Mart called what? 24 hours later?). I even applied at BioLife. Means no more donating, but it would be a paycheck and in a science-y field so it is very preferable right now.

On the bright side, I finished Brett's socks the other night. No pics yet, I was going to get them done but we got Jack back from his week stay with my mother-in-law and I wanted to get the second sock done. It was the whole "4 inches until I can start the toe. I'll just o that much." which turned into "Oh, I can just start the toe." That usually leads to "I'll just finish the toe, and weave in the ends." That is why I love socks. I get slow on the leg and on the foot, but the heel and gusset and tow are so modular that I find it hard to begin and not finish those sections.

And snow twinkles pretty when you wear sunglasses. Still blinding and I still have a headache, but pretty.

Now I better get back to work. Applied for another research position, only new one I'm qualified for, but I will see what other places have to offer.

One Month Down

2008-01-30T08:44:00.000-08:00

One month into 208 and I have no job. I tried a dishwashing job from Team Staffing, but they signed me up without checking with me. I told them 2nd shift would work, and it would have if they didn't want me until 12:30 on Mon and Sat, the last bus leaves at 11:20 on weekdays, 6:30 on weekends. So I had to decline. Now I wait.

I found my New Year's resolution. I plan to finish a few of the projects I've started, knitting-wise. My current task is finishing Jack's baby blanket, the one I began to crochet before he was born. I'm just hpoing to have it by his second birthday this September. OK, maybe sooner. I have to do 55 repeats of the two main rows. I finished 18 last night and plan to do at least one every day. I'll try to remember to take pics of it (and my other projects) and post them.

My other projects:
-Dark Mark Illusion scarf (pattern: http://thestormmoon.blogspot.com/2007/05/dark-mark-illusion-scarf-pattern.html). I am through the first chart, just started the second.

-Dark Mark bag (pattern: http://www.freewebs.com/theloveplant/knitting/darkmarkbag.html). I finished the front an just have to finish the plain, stockinette back.

-Brett's Socks. I'm doing basic socks with a k3p1 rib on the leg. The first one is about an inch done. I did finish one pair of socks though, and will post pics soon (I hope).

-Huge granny square blankie. I couldn't think of anything else to do with this yarn so I decided on a blanket. I made one 6 inch granny square and decide to just enlarge it rather than make a ton of little ones.

-Crochet choker (pattern: http://www.theanticraft.com/archive/lugh06/asphyxiation.htm). One and a half motifs in and still going (slowly).

The lure of new projects is great. My pile of UFOs grows. But when you have little time to knit/crochet... Things just don't get finished.

Between job searching, studying for the MCATs (which I need to do more of) an being a Mom and wife... the time just seems to slip away.

But hey, could be worse, you know.

New year, new luck (I hope)

2008-01-14T14:58:00.000-08:00

2007 was, well, you decide. Here is a timeline:

Dec 22, 2007: Brett gets into a car accident. Other driver's fault so we get a new old car, but we were uninsured so we get a $710 fine. Brett is OK, he just needs to see a chiropractor every 2 days for up to 2 years.

Dec. 23, 2007: Heater goes out, landlord is out of town. We get it fixed, but still.

Dec. 25, 2007: At great-grandma's house Jack tries to climb mommy, ends up hitting his head on the thin-rugged cement floor. We need to wake him and check his pupils for signs of concussion.

Dec. 26, 2007: In an attempt to cook Jack breakfast I set the kitchen on fire. Brett has the cell phone so I end up walking to the fire station to have them clean the smoke out.

Dec. 31, 2007: Noon the new car becomes ours. 1:30 the new car dies. It is fixed now.

And then there was Jack's massive cold, Brett's massive food poisoning and me getting laid off...

But on the good side, I finished knitting my first pair of socks and I had a great interview this morning.

So who knows. Here is hoping 2008 is better for us.

Merry Fucking Christmas

2007-12-23T13:00:00.000-08:00

So this year I was actually excited for Christmas. It is Jack's 2nd but the first he knows what a present is. So things were going fine. We got his presents, today we were going to head up north to stay with the in-laws and we were going to have a great Christmas.

Brett got into an accident. He is OK, the baby wasn't in the car. The car is fucked. Other driver's fault, but our insurance lapsed so they gave us a $710 fine.

My mother-in-law was going to come own to get me and Jack this morning. She bailed, claiming the roads are too bad. OK, we did get a foot of snow last night, but the roads are fine and there is no more snowing today. But before that I get to wake Brett up and let him know the heater is busted. Yeah, no heat, no ride and we've been arguing for days.

So we decide to get a ride to Merri's house so the poor blue-lipped baby (I'm not even kidding) can have some heat. Dustin comes to get us and can't even keep both hands on the wheel. He has to talk to his girlfriend (long story on that, not my business to post) and even tells her how we keep slipping and almost running into snow banks. So hang up the fucking phone, my kid is in the car, jackass! And then he does bump the car ahead of us at the stop sign. I was livid.

And now I might be staying here overnight because Brett needs a ride to work and might stay at Dustin's. Great holiday, not home, not with family, not even with my fucking husband. I'm depressed as all hell and he has my cigs.

So we have to rent a car. Wednesday the other driver's insurance company will be in the office, so if we are going to make it to the family Xmas we have to rent one ourselves and wait god knows how long to get reimbursed.

Good news is the heat is on, bad news is I'm not home and Jack is fussy and finally asleep. I'd nap but he'd just wake up as I'm on the verge of sleep and I just can't take that kind of disappointment right now.

I've cried more in the last three days than in the past three months. Merry Fucking Christmas.

broken record

2007-12-06T19:59:00.000-08:00

Everytime I start a new journal (or blog) I tell myself I will not use it as a depression dump, only writing when I feel depressed and such. Well, here we go again, only now I am depressed and have internet access for the night so everybody gets to watch.

Still at the chocolate factory, totally using my education to do what I planned to do for the rest of my life. I hope sarcasm works in type. And to top that off I fell in their parking lot and hurt my back. Team Staffing is taking care of it, but I'm on restriction so I can't bend, reach, twift, lift etc. I do what I can.

So work sucks, back hurts, love life is on the rocks.

No birth control = no nookie for Jen. Not to mention that my DH has taken a second job and works until midnight 4 days a week. Miss him terribly, makes me cry.

So yeah, Jen's "life sucks" update.

alive

2007-11-08T17:25:00.001-08:00

I still exist, I just have no internet and find myself too busy being a mom after my 9 hours at the chocolate factory failing to use my college degrees and hating every minute of it. No insurance, no antidepressants, plenty of insomnia. I'm not a happy camper so consider yourselves lucky I'm usually an internet no show.

the urge

2007-10-16T12:40:00.000-07:00

Ever get the urge to blog? Yeah, I do too. Problem is when I do I'm usually walking and am nowhere near the computer or my journal (yes, I have a handwritten journal. A poor, neglected handwritten journal). I've had the urge several times over the past couple days, so here it goes. Hope I can do it justice, you know how it goes when the inspiration hits and then flies away.

So I've been reading New Moon by Stephanie Meyer, the sequel to Twilight. Addicting books. But I was really commiserating with the main character, Bella, yesterday. Brett is Edward to my Bella. Maybe it's a general girl thing, but I feel so lucky to have him. Like he is in a plane above me and it is something special and transitory that he's even with me. I cherish every cuddle, every touch in fear that he will one day go away, realize I'm beneath him and go. We've talked about this a couple of times, once before I ever got my hands on Twilight, and he assures me that I'm wrong, that his ex's are ex's for a reason (pardon the grammatical misuse of the apostrophe, it just looks clearer that way) and that of all the girls that hit on him at the coffee stand, all the pre-med and science majors and such, he chose me. It helps, but part of me still clings in fear. It even makes me cry when I think of it, a time without him.

And then last night we went to bed. He stayed up past midnight reading Artemis Fowl: The Opal Deception, a book I picked up from the library for him (and me, I'm just New Moon distracted). So he took my spot and I took his. We were back in the formation we were used to before we moved the bedroom around. And when he turned off the light and curled up around me it was magical. I relaxed so totally by body was lightly buzzing with utter contentment. I silently wished I could feel this all night but was sadly asleep in mere minutes. We both agreed this morning that we had the best night's sleep in some time. He came home for lunch and when I told him some of the descriptive things I mentioned my body was humming almost. He got a sly grin on his face and said "speaking of, how about a hummer?" He deserved it after all ;)

And one more thought. As I stood at the bus stop waiting to come into work I was anxious. Anxius because this is my last week? I thought maybe, but then I realized I was anxious because I left New Moon at home, 3/4 read. I did this on purpose, but it made me anxious. What a hold this book has!

Oh what a sight! Oh what a day!

2007-10-15T08:50:00.000-07:00

Good news: I finished my first sock Friday. I have an interview at noon. I got a copy of New Moon from the library (finally!!).

Bad news: My boss told me this is my last week. We're broke. Now I'm depressed.

So when I went downtown to pick up the book I stopped and got a pack of cigarettes. I could use one in my mood. And then I was one hell of a sight in a seemingly out of body way. I was standing in the rain with my black Made hoodie zipped up, hood up holding a vampire novel and smoking. From my vantage point looking down into a puddle I could only see the cigarette, the book under my arm and the hoodie. I could imagine it looked a bit like a bad cliche of a depressed emo goth. But that thought made me smile.

So yeah, that's it. Depressed, trying to cheer up for the interview and worried as hell.

Let's go Yankees!... to hell

2007-09-17T09:38:00.000-07:00

OK, if I wasn't going to hell before, I certainly am now, but the Yankees did win Friday so I guess it was all worth it.

Let's cut things to the chase, shall we? I swore in front of a priest. No, I blasphemed.

My sister-in-law renewed her vows in a brief Catholic ceremony and afterward the guests had soup and sandwiches at her house, the priest was there. Someone turned on the Yankees/Red Sox game. I was standing right behind the priest when I looked up and saw the Sox were ahead 2-1. "God damn it!" I shouted. The room fell silent.

Now I had forgotten the priest was there until later in the evening when my husband, a recovering Catholic himself, came up to me and said, "so it was my wife who swore in front of the priest?"

Another great example of my perpetual foot-in-mouth disease.

But at least the Yanks won.

The Bad Beginning

2007-08-22T08:10:00.000-07:00

So the day I decide to start my new blog the site is down for hours. I woke up and thought, 'You know what you need? Another neglected blog. And you know where you need it? That place where all the best scrap freebies are housed." So I get into work and decide to go with a new blog so I go to blogspot.com and... nothing. Try again in 30 seconds. About 240 30 seconds later I finally got in. Now don't think I have no life, I didn't try every 30 seconds. About every 10-15 minutes and I'd get the same message, swear out loud and go back to whatever I was doing, namely procrastinating. I did get some work done, even plan on doing more, but first a post. A first post even.

So did I really need a new blog? Aren't myspace, livejournal and scrapgalaxy enough? Apparently not because I have been obsessed with starting this thing all morning. I need a new blog like I need another email address. But in this age of excess of course one more won't hurt.

New blog for my new life. I'm no longer a student. After 8 years of college and 3 degrees I'm working on working in the real world. Going to get paid hourly here until a new job pops up. Plus I'm getting a better handle on the depression (I am, after all, the poster child for mental illness with a whopping 4 diagnoses and another pending) but I'm happier now than I have been in, well, ever. My relationship with my son and husband have improved along with my mood, so all is well. Don't fret, I still have my moments and will surely blog about them.

Now as for readers... I don't really have anything to say and I am fully aware that I am my own biggest fan, but I write as if I have legions of followers who lie in wait for my every thought and feeling. I'm just that damn important, right? But anyhow, enough of that.

-JtPM

Mama was a punk:
Paper and ribbon: TaniaJPS Angry Freebie
Torn paper: Bloggidy - Leah Riordan Designs
Title Font: Tattoo Ink
Journaling Font: Littera 32
Completed May 19, 2007